Last week I read an amazing article in the New York Times, by Ellen Barry, about a small village in India where a few women decided to rebel and went to work. The men, in particular, did not like the concept. The women were changing the dynamics. They were getting stronger. They were dismantling poverty. For the women, it was a very good thing for their well being, their self esteem, and their families.

Many of the town's people wanted it to stop. Eventually, the town leader stepped in. For their defiance, he instructed the town to ostracize the women and forbade anyone to speak to them and excluded them from the community water fountain. This type of ostracizing has a name and it is "Hookah-pani bandh."

I sat in the sunlight of my safe kitchen reading the article in disbelief that this could be 2016. How could something that would uplift the women be banned? Pure sexism is the answer. Then, as I often do, I tried to think locally about how to help. Then, it hit me! Hookah-pani bandh is not just happening in the small villages of India. Women today, right here in America, experience ostracizing.

As a matter of fact, it has even happened in my own home. I call it the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a super effective, albeit, passive aggressive way to gain cooperation of others. I found that I could identify with the women more than I thought I could at first. I have had relationships where my mate would use the silent treatment when he was unhappy with how I had conducted myself. It could last for a couple of hours or days. It is a relatively accepted behavior because I saw at least one of my parents do it to the other. I have friends who do it on a small scale to their children when time out fails. Is this a bad thing? Should I even have to ask? Yet, I know there have been people in my life that I have "fallen out with" and before forgiveness, came the silence. We are not so far as to judge the village after all.

I wanted the women in the village not to care about being ostracized. I wanted them to know that someone in the world cares about them. Then, I realized that many of us, right here in our safe kitchens, fear the very same thing. We stay in relationships so that we don't get ostracized from our friends, family, church or community. In some relationships we try to avoid the "upset" that causes the silent treatment and we try to get back in good so that our lives can be peaceful. We also conform to behaviors as expected to avoid being singled out.The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It is damaging.

One of the only ways that I can think to fight against it is to never ostracize another person. I will also look more closely at any relationship where the silent treatment is one of the rules of engagement.

It's A New Year

While I am not quite over my fairy tale rant, it is a new year so I'll pick that back up later. As for now, let's concentrate on recent accomplishments of women so we can use that as the kickoff for 2011. Let's celebrate and be inspired by:

• Elena Kagen who is now a Supreme Court Justice, one of only four women to ever hold that position.
• Ursula Burns, the Cheif Executive Officer of Xerox, and the first black woman to become a CEO of a fortune 500 company.
• Kathryn Bigelow became the first woman to ever win an Academy Award for best director. 

What are we going to do this year to change the face of history?

Snow White

I’m still on my Disney kick.  I had to review Snow White to see if there are any messages that might be sexist. It didn’t take long because the opening scene started off with a bang.

The movie starts by telling us that the princess Snow White’s beauty was “feared” by the vain and wicked stepmother because she thought that Snow White’s beauty would surpass her own.  The entire premise of this story is based on the fears of an aging woman in a society that has always praised and applauded youth and beauty. What’s worse is that she has reason to be afraid. The queen bought into the idea that she had to remain the most beautiful, at any cost, even death of her step daughter.

I stopped for a moment and thought, how many older women do I see in most magazine ads?  I have heard the phrase, “looks good for her age, but I have not heard many people say that phrase when speaking of an older woman without adding the part about age. It is fascinating that ageism has always been a curse to women in a patriarchal society.

 The magic mirror tells the queen of the one who is the most beautiful in all the land: her skin is snow white, lips are red, hair is like that of the raven.  As an aside, could a movie about a princess named Jet Black ever make it very far? I’m not even going to analyze the racial implications of Snow White's name on ethnic children. It is just evidence of the times in which the movie was made.

This fairy tale is another old one based on one of the Brothers Grimm tales.  It was made in 1937, so we have a combination of an old fairy tale remade into an animated movie during a time when in America, African Americans could not vote at all, segregation was the law of the land and women had only been voting for  a whopping  17 years with the passage of the 19^th Amendment.  This movie is bound to be jam packed with patriarchal ideals, yet it made the American Film Institute’s list of 100 Greatest Movies of All Times….in 1997. Then, in 2007, 70 years after its debut and a lifetime of “advances” for women, it achieved an even higher ranking. The message is clear to me: stay beautiful, stay young, and look for confirmation for this from an outside source.

The queen orders the princess to be taken into the forest and killed with her heart brought back in a box as assurance that the job was done.  Again the theme, bring back her symbol of love- separated from her body. The queen’s minion set out to kill Snow White by stabbing her. How scary is that. Is that the kind of danger a young woman is in for being beautiful?  Disney can re-release this one all they want but I don’t know if I’m going to let my future kids watch this one until they are able to convince me that they don’t believe in it.

As soon as Snow White makes it to the home of the dwarfs, the first order of business is to detail how untidy the house is and she decides to clean the house so she can stay.  The audience is supposed to be okay with the idea that between six older gentlemen and one younger, older gentleman, no one thought their house should be clean? The dwarfs were happy living filthy dwarf lives until a woman showed up to clean up their acts. Please, say it isn’t so.

Grumpy says it best, “she is a female and that means she’s poison! “ He also mentioned the wiles of women and said something to the effect of, “ If you give them an inch they’ll walk all over ya.”

Snow White instantly becomes mother by making them wash for dinner that she made, packing their lunches and doing the housekeeping. These are men with long white beards we are talking about not little kids. Plus, no one thought better to protect her when everyone knew there was a murderous 40 year- old on the loose! I exaggerate about the queen’s age because she was actually neither old, nor ugly. She had to turn herself into those things to convince Snow White to eat the apple. I’m sure in Brothers Grimm days this perpetuated the notion that old women were witches- another terrible stereotype. By the way, I might be stretching it, but is that a biblical reference with the apple that brings “death” to the victim. For sure that is a topic for another day.

For me, the masterful songwriters struck again.  I have to admit, a tear came up to my throat when Snow White started the, “Some Day My Prince Will Come” song.  I know I have felt that, I know that I have that song inked on my heart.  In Snow White, of course, he came. The prince came after searching for her and gave her love’s kiss which brought her back to life. This is rarely talked about, but it sets up that fantastical wish that I have heard expressed by grown women, that maybe if they took ill and were somehow out of commission, their beloved would appear at the hospital and awaken them from their comas. I bet there are women right now in comas waiting to be kissed. Ok, that was wrong.  Wake up ladies from the coma of thinking someone is coming, that’s the coma we are in. Wake up and stop waiting. You are the one you have been waiting for.

All in all the take-aways here are not things I want to tell my future daughters.  But, if I were to watch this with them, I would teach them the opposite of this movie. I’d have to say: surround yourself with older women because they are beautiful and they have been down this road; you should trust them, they will teach you things spiritually and maybe even physically that will keep you beautiful for a lifetime not just until the media starts to push anti-aging creams to people in your age bracket. We are beautiful at all ages and one should not allow the mirror to be the judge.

Where Are The Princess Movies?

You Can't Just Get Any Princess Movie

Today was the first time I set out to buy all of the Disney princess movies so I could have them on hand to keep these discussions going. The last time I was a collector, they were still on VHS. With the invention of DVDs, and the ease of getting all things video, I thought for sure the marketing strategy used by Disney to keep their movies so classic was long gone.

There was a period of time when I had to have them all. Right around the time my set was complete, pending the next new movie, the DVD player was on the scene. Now my VHS movies are in a box in the garage and I don't have a converter. I open it from time to time and think, "wow look at all these movies," then I put the top back on. It is like my personal time capsule.

I decided the next princess movie I wanted to review would be - The Little Mermaid. That movie was no where to be found in any of the retail markets I visited today. Also, I could not find a "box set" which I thought existed. I eventually ended up at my local video store where I still could not find a complete set of the classics. When I asked about it, I was informed that Disney still takes certain movies "out of circulation" until they are re-released. How is that for control! I was shocked that major retailers are in on this. I am now wondering where is that magical warehouse that has all the movies and how does Disney know that every single one has been removed from every shelf?

Since I am a conspiracist (and I am making that word up, but you know what I mean),  I am now afraid of Disney for having that kind of power. Not only do they have the power to influence us into believing in fairy tales, but they even have control over what kind of princess story is on deck. They maintain a fresh influx of followers with this magical approach. By the time, "The Little Mermaid," comes back, there will be a new crop of children who will think it is brand new and will have an opportunity to see the movie in theaters just like I did when I was a child. I will be there as well because I will want to see it as an adult in all of its new technological advancement. Now that is the circle of life.

Does anybody have a full set?

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty

Last night I curled up with my glass of sangiovese wine and Sleeping Beauty.  I have to admit Disney did a heck of a job. The animation was great, it looked magical.  I felt myself sinking when Aurora was in the forest singing that, “ I know you from a dream” song.  It took me back to thoughts of young love. I can remember being 16 and thinking that I wanted a boyfriend. I remember when he passed me the famous love note -you know the one with the checkboxes, yes or no. His question was whether or not he could walk me home. Right away it was love.  I think that is a part of natural development. Either that or, it is something we are socialized to think. At any rate, there Aurora was singing with the animals and it was almost touching and pure. She just wanted to meet someone. She wasn’t even looking for a prince. I’m not exactly sure what was driving her to want that, but she had no other human friends. Why she was looking for a man and not just a human friend her own age is just something we have to accept.

As fairy tales go, this one wasn’t so bad.  Aurora had two parents, she didn’t know Phillip was a prince, good triumphed over evil and the story didn’t have to repeat that she was beautiful because the name alone kept us in that context.  Yes she fell in love very fast but I’d like to think being sixteen played a part there.  So far the only thing wrong with that is she was a little under age, but people got married young in the 14^th century.  This was a pretty pure and easy love story.

In a modern era, I would have liked to have seen the fairies give the princess gifts with more meaning and purpose.  They gave her the power of song, beauty, and then a counteractive sleeping spell.  There was not much she could do with those gifts besides catch a prince.

I could have done without the scene where the two fathers discuss the terms of agreement for purposes of uniting their kingdoms leading them to get drunk and have a tussle.  In the end however,  Phillip’s father was going to have to explain that Phillip wanted to marry a peasant girl which was very forward thinking.

What I don’t quite understand is why Maleficent was so angry about not getting invited to the party. As we find out from the fairies she had never found love. So is this what happens to a woman who has never experienced love? She has to show up uninvited to people’s parties and cast spells that will kill their babies?! Ouch. She did not make a good role model for all the single ladies.  I wish that her mal-intentions were based on something more tangible than that because it seems like her plight could happen to anyone. We are not guaranteed love.  Perhaps she could have been angry because she wanted to expand her kingdom, but the kings would not agree; maybe she was being overtaxed. Let it be anything except she had no man. Should all single women be worried about becoming a Mistress of Evil? To further make the point, she turned into a dragon and had to be stabbed in the heart with a sword; a sword to the heart-the symbol of love.    

Wait a minute, I don’t have children. Uh o. Am I going to become Maleficent?

Fairy Tales

Are Fairy Tales Letting Women Down?
Over the years I have realized that there is one thing that has caused much woe in reconciling the reality of my life with what I had been socialized to believe-and by woe I mean disappointment.  I firmly believe that my ill-conceived faith in fairy tales worked to my disadvantage and that my starring role never quite worked out like that of any of the idyllic princesses, and it does not really happen that often to anyone else.  Now, I’m older, somewhat wiser, and I want to discuss these favorite fairy tales in the context of the real lives of women; our expectations and disappointments and possible affects on our psyches.

 There are at least nine Disney princess movies and many more fairy tales in general.  For now, let’s talk Disney.  I think I have internalized all of them, even those that came after I was a grown woman.  In the movies we are shown certain concepts: The princess is young and beautiful; older women are portrayed as villains; there are very few strong mother characters; the princess must be kissed by a prince, be married to a prince in a certain amount of time, get the prince to choose her, leave her life to be with the prince, or some variation on these themes; and finally, but of utmost importance, they live happily ever after. I think these concepts subliminally get into our subconscious and control the actions of women in real relationships.

There doesn’t seem to be an option for: end up single when the prince turns out to be a jackass; one where she is 30 something, worried about leaving the kingdom because where will she go now that she is a princess and doesn’t have any money in her own savings account, and has no one she can stay with until she gets on her feet because, remember, she abandoned everything for the sake of love?

In real life we have Princess Grace and Princess Diana.  Even Princess Diana could not live up to any of the Disney Princess standards.  She had all of the elements of the real deal fairy tale Gone Wild,  what with the evil mother-in-law/Queen of England taking the role of the evil witch or stepmother figure: she married a prince who wasn’t half as dashing as she, was twice as old; he, without much discretion, had a woman on the side who even showed up at the wedding, she could do nothing to make him love her even though she was absolutely gorgeous; she had an eating disorder, got herself together, embodied extreme benevolence, was the mother to the future heirs of the thrown, had designer clothes, was trying to save the world one hungry little African with aids at a time, and was constantly harassed by the paparazzi. 

Diana did all this while suffering from debilitating depression and no matter what, not living happily ever after to boot, but instead died a horrendous accidental death just when things started to turn around for her.   Do us regular women stand a chance? Not to mention Diana’s beauty could have launched a thousand ships and most of us mortals do not have that going for us. Second, she was from a well to do family in the first place who owned their own palace so she really didn’t need him anyway.  Number three, the world loved her.  But, it was as if God took her away because, after all, he is the grand patriarch and it looked like she just might move on and prove something to all of us women depending on her to show us what emotional abuse recovery looked like. She was going to show us that you could get another man, have more children and live happily ever after… in a different kingdom.  Or, she might have dated extravagantly and lived happily ever after in her own princessdom.  She didn’t get the chance, but I still believe she would have done it. I consider her the patron saint for all us women no matter what.

We have Princess Grace. No we don’t.  I’m sure that she loved her life and for all intent and purposes she almost lived happily ever after.  I’m just a little bit concerned that she had to give up her stellar career where she was America’s princess to go to Monaco.  She actually falls right in line with the Disney princesses who give up their lives, no matter what, to go with the prince.  Who do we have?

Even though, in my opinion, Queen Elizabeth II was not the best mother-in-law to Diana, she is one of the only reverse fairy tale queens that I can think of off the top of my head.   Prince Phillip, her husband,  (who is still alive) renounced his citizenship, moved from his home land and became a “consort” meaning he had no rights whatsoever to the Kingdom. We can only assume he did it for love, or is that me being romantic again?  Nevertheless, the Queen has reigned supreme with a man in the background so maybe there is hope for us.

 I think I will step out on a limb and say that we women have to do more self- actualizing so that we become immune to the princess archetype. My next question is how do we do that?