Are Fairy Tales Letting Women Down?
Over the years I have realized that there is one thing that has caused much woe in reconciling the reality of my life with what I had been socialized to believe-and by woe I mean disappointment. I firmly believe that my ill-conceived faith in fairy tales worked to my disadvantage and that my starring role never quite worked out like that of any of the idyllic princesses, and it does not really happen that often to anyone else. Now, I’m older, somewhat wiser, and I want to discuss these favorite fairy tales in the context of the real lives of women; our expectations and disappointments and possible affects on our psyches.
Over the years I have realized that there is one thing that has caused much woe in reconciling the reality of my life with what I had been socialized to believe-and by woe I mean disappointment. I firmly believe that my ill-conceived faith in fairy tales worked to my disadvantage and that my starring role never quite worked out like that of any of the idyllic princesses, and it does not really happen that often to anyone else. Now, I’m older, somewhat wiser, and I want to discuss these favorite fairy tales in the context of the real lives of women; our expectations and disappointments and possible affects on our psyches.
There are at least nine Disney princess movies and many more fairy tales in general. For now, let’s talk Disney. I think I have internalized all of them, even those that came after I was a grown woman. In the movies we are shown certain concepts: The princess is young and beautiful; older women are portrayed as villains; there are very few strong mother characters; the princess must be kissed by a prince, be married to a prince in a certain amount of time, get the prince to choose her, leave her life to be with the prince, or some variation on these themes; and finally, but of utmost importance, they live happily ever after. I think these concepts subliminally get into our subconscious and control the actions of women in real relationships.
There doesn’t seem to be an option for: end up single when the prince turns out to be a jackass; one where she is 30 something, worried about leaving the kingdom because where will she go now that she is a princess and doesn’t have any money in her own savings account, and has no one she can stay with until she gets on her feet because, remember, she abandoned everything for the sake of love?
In real life we have Princess Grace and Princess Diana. Even Princess Diana could not live up to any of the Disney Princess standards. She had all of the elements of the real deal fairy tale Gone Wild, what with the evil mother-in-law/Queen of England taking the role of the evil witch or stepmother figure: she married a prince who wasn’t half as dashing as she, was twice as old; he, without much discretion, had a woman on the side who even showed up at the wedding, she could do nothing to make him love her even though she was absolutely gorgeous; she had an eating disorder, got herself together, embodied extreme benevolence, was the mother to the future heirs of the thrown, had designer clothes, was trying to save the world one hungry little African with aids at a time, and was constantly harassed by the paparazzi.
Diana did all this while suffering from debilitating depression and no matter what, not living happily ever after to boot, but instead died a horrendous accidental death just when things started to turn around for her. Do us regular women stand a chance? Not to mention Diana’s beauty could have launched a thousand ships and most of us mortals do not have that going for us. Second, she was from a well to do family in the first place who owned their own palace so she really didn’t need him anyway. Number three, the world loved her. But, it was as if God took her away because, after all, he is the grand patriarch and it looked like she just might move on and prove something to all of us women depending on her to show us what emotional abuse recovery looked like. She was going to show us that you could get another man, have more children and live happily ever after… in a different kingdom. Or, she might have dated extravagantly and lived happily ever after in her own princessdom. She didn’t get the chance, but I still believe she would have done it. I consider her the patron saint for all us women no matter what.
Diana did all this while suffering from debilitating depression and no matter what, not living happily ever after to boot, but instead died a horrendous accidental death just when things started to turn around for her. Do us regular women stand a chance? Not to mention Diana’s beauty could have launched a thousand ships and most of us mortals do not have that going for us. Second, she was from a well to do family in the first place who owned their own palace so she really didn’t need him anyway. Number three, the world loved her. But, it was as if God took her away because, after all, he is the grand patriarch and it looked like she just might move on and prove something to all of us women depending on her to show us what emotional abuse recovery looked like. She was going to show us that you could get another man, have more children and live happily ever after… in a different kingdom. Or, she might have dated extravagantly and lived happily ever after in her own princessdom. She didn’t get the chance, but I still believe she would have done it. I consider her the patron saint for all us women no matter what.
We have Princess Grace. No we don’t. I’m sure that she loved her life and for all intent and purposes she almost lived happily ever after. I’m just a little bit concerned that she had to give up her stellar career where she was America’s princess to go to Monaco. She actually falls right in line with the Disney princesses who give up their lives, no matter what, to go with the prince. Who do we have?
Even though, in my opinion, Queen Elizabeth II was not the best mother-in-law to Diana, she is one of the only reverse fairy tale queens that I can think of off the top of my head. Prince Phillip, her husband, (who is still alive) renounced his citizenship, moved from his home land and became a “consort” meaning he had no rights whatsoever to the Kingdom. We can only assume he did it for love, or is that me being romantic again? Nevertheless, the Queen has reigned supreme with a man in the background so maybe there is hope for us.
I think I will step out on a limb and say that we women have to do more self- actualizing so that we become immune to the princess archetype. My next question is how do we do that?
Ah the old how do we become immune question? Why would you want to do that? I certainly don't have the answers, however I have an inkling that the answer might be closer to changing your focus rather than concentrating on the negative. Although I know when you are concentrating on the negative it can really be difficult to turn your attention to more productive activities.
ReplyDeleteI had the whole relationship discussion with a friend recently who explained to me that they never wanted a monogamous relationship and they were okay with being single and just living any way he/she saw fit. Now, do I know if this is the complete truth or if this person is actually lonely at night? No. However this opinion, or way of life shocked my little Pollyanna, “life should be this way” viewpoint somewhat. Maybe I just did not realize how stagnant my own views on life and relationships had become. I think of myself as open minded and accepting of other points of view, and at the same time I feel (I know) it is my duty as a Christian to at least put the moral stamp out there. Not so much in a judging way, rather in a sharing “this is also an option” kind of way. At least I hope I never come across as judgmental or condemning.
It is also possible that somewhere deep down I wanted this person to come over to my way of thinking so they could be happy knowing they were doing the right thing. That once they made moral and regret free choices they would actually be happy. The funny thing is that I think this person is happy. I found myself entertaining this point of view as actually valid and worth exploring. Not so much as a personal choice but as an option for those brave enough to explore it. God’s way is still the only way for me, but even God could not save everyone against their will. Actually I think he can but leaves the choice up to us.
The one thing I do know is that humans like to be told what to do and how to live. Whether we realize it or now, we need it. We, for the most part, cannot survive without structure. Structure can come in the form of organized religion, college, organized sports, joining the military, our parents if we’re lucky (or unlucky depending), and even in the form of fairy tales. The stories be it biblical tales, fairy tales, or sports analogies, provide these blue prints for the way things used to be, the way things are, and the way things could be. They give us structure, something to build upon.
That said, what might be right for the goose might not be right for the gander. So if fairy tales work for you, or resonate with you more than other forms of structure, so be it. However, might I suggest that you write your own fairy tale. Take those stories from your childhood and rewrite them sprinkled with a little reality and some truth. Maybe instead of Cinderella, your story could be more like Shrek. LOL, sorry that does not sound nice, but in a way it’s at least a little more real. Men are not princes, at least not all the time. They can be frogs, ogres, boys, and occasionally they can be men. Women are not always princesses, or angels, they can sometime be ogres themselves. Myself included. What happens when men and women are both being ogres? When ogre meets ogre it can be a match made in heaven, or at least on earth